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Tease a Tele-marketer

by Shannon Wand

How many times have you wished that you had a quick way to get rid of that pesky phone solicitor? You could hang up on them, sure, but what if you could get them to hang up on you and have a few laughs in the meantime? We have devised a list of truly bizarre things to say that will get you off the phone faster than you can say, "Not interested."

Here is a tip: Use Ralph Wiggins' voice from the Simpsons for almost any of them. Have fun!

Ring, ring. “Hello. My name is Debbie. I am from ABC Carpet Cleaning…”

Then you respond with one of the following:

  1. "I'm on my tractor."
  2. "I have cake on my bum."
  3. "My helmet fell off!" Sound astonished and then hang up. They won't be offended, just relieved.
  4. Repeat everything they say. Use the most annoying voice you have.
  5. "Slippers are comfy. Do you sell slippers?" When they say no, hang up.
  6. "I swallowed a paper clip." Perfect example for Ralph Wiggins’ voice, but a deep male voice works equally well.
  7. "Ice cream in my pants makes me feel funny." Try to sound disturbed.
  8. "I know a song. I am going to sing it to you now." Sing any song you like and sing it like you mean it! If they stay on the line, ask them to sing along with you.
  9. "Urine tastes bad." Say this as though you just found out.
  10. Try to say something at the same time as they do and then demand that they owe you a Coke/beer. Ask to speak to their supervisor if they won't comply.
  11. "My dog gave me a hickey." Say this as though you are bragging.
  12. "There sure are a lot of buttons on this thing." Press all buttons on keypad repeatedly.
  13. "I just saw a spaceship and I'm a little freaked out right now." Say this as if you are completely traumatized.
  14. "I think I have butter in my ears. (Wait a moment and make tasting sounds.) Nope. It's margarine." Margarine can be replaced with "hammer" or "feathers" or whatever you like. Try to sound as if you have been attempting to figure this out for some time now.
  15. "I don't know where I am." Try a high-pitched child's voice, but don't be too convincing. They will send local law officers over to make sure you are okay.
  16. Speak excruciatingly slow. Count about 3 to 5 seconds between words.
  17. Ramble on about nothing and anything. Example: "The fridge makes funny noises. My hand smells. I like pie. How come there aren't Mrs. Noodles? I hate it when my house burns down." At this point, let them speak for half a second and then say, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you something..." Continue to ramble.
  18. "Spoons mix things and spatulas are for flipping." Say this as though you have just solved world hunger.
  19. "Refried beans are expensive." Say it as if you just can't take the price of refried beans any longer!
  20. "I have poop on my hands." Start to cry.

We sure hope that these ideas help. We suggest trying them all until you find the one that works best for you. If you can add to our list, please do.




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