by Shannon Wand
How many times have you wished that
you had a quick way to get rid of that pesky phone
solicitor? You could hang up on them, sure, but
what if you could get them to hang up on you and
have a few laughs in the meantime? We have devised
a list of truly bizarre things to say that will
get you off the phone faster than you can say, "Not
Here is a tip: Use Ralph Wiggins' voice from the
Simpsons for almost any of them. Have fun!
Ring, ring. “Hello. My name
is Debbie. I am from ABC Carpet Cleaning…”
Then you respond with one of the following:
"I'm on my tractor."
"I have cake on my bum."
"My helmet fell off!"
Sound astonished and then hang up. They won't
be offended, just relieved.
Repeat everything they say. Use
the most annoying voice you have.
"Slippers are comfy. Do you
sell slippers?" When they say no, hang up.
"I swallowed a paper clip."
Perfect example for Ralph Wiggins’ voice,
but a deep male voice works equally well.
"Ice cream in my pants makes
me feel funny." Try to sound disturbed.
"I know a song. I am going
to sing it to you now." Sing any song you
like and sing it like you mean it! If they stay
on the line, ask them to sing along with you.
"Urine tastes bad."
Say this as though you just found out.
Try to say something at the same
time as they do and then demand that they owe
you a Coke/beer. Ask to speak to their supervisor
if they won't comply.
"My dog gave me a hickey."
Say this as though you are bragging.
"There sure are a lot of
buttons on this thing." Press all buttons
on keypad repeatedly.
"I just saw a spaceship and
I'm a little freaked out right now." Say
this as if you are completely traumatized.
"I think I have butter in
my ears. (Wait a moment and make tasting sounds.)
Nope. It's margarine." Margarine can be replaced
with "hammer" or "feathers"
or whatever you like. Try to sound as if you have
been attempting to figure this out for some time
"I don't know where I am."
Try a high-pitched child's voice, but don't be
too convincing. They will send local law officers
over to make sure you are okay.
Speak excruciatingly slow. Count
about 3 to 5 seconds between words.
Ramble on about nothing and anything.
Example: "The fridge makes funny noises.
My hand smells. I like pie. How come there aren't
Mrs. Noodles? I hate it when my house burns down."
At this point, let them speak for half a second
and then say, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell
you something..." Continue to ramble.
"Spoons mix things and spatulas
are for flipping." Say this as though you
have just solved world hunger.
"Refried beans are expensive."
Say it as if you just can't take the price of
refried beans any longer!
"I have poop on my hands."
Start to cry.