I Wish I Had Breasts
So June has been rather eventful for the gang
at Coach Bender Central. My wife Deborah and
I, have had our first child, Zachary West.
So given this month is learning month for Discover
Fun, I thought I'd share with you a thing or
two I'm learning about parenthood now that I'm
a wily two week vet.
Lesson #1
The world revolves around my wife's breasts.
Ok, it sort of did before the kid too, but now
it really does.
Deborah's breasts need to be always within five
minutes of Zachary's mouth. This is solved by
rarely having Zachary more than stones throw
away from aforementioned breasts, but it does
get a little restricting for Deborah (keeper
and owner of the breasts). I wish I had a pair
so that Deborah wouldn’t be so bogged down.
(Did I really just write that?)
Lesson #2
Fake breasts such as cones, pinkies, dog paws,
grapefruits, toothbrushes, or soothing words
are very lame replacements for breasts and are
quickly rejected by the kid.
Lesson #3
Everything makes the kid cry.
Being lifted makes the kid cry, being put down,
moving to the left or the right, poking the child
in the tummy, changing a diaper, having a bath,
cool air, hot air, wet tissue, dry tissue, being
tired or being over stimulated (a handy catch-all
for anything not listed that makes kid cry).
Lesson #4
Once the child starts crying, it’s difficult
to make him stop. Covering my ears with my hands
and chanting, “I don’t hear you”,
was a complete failure. I thought if I read the
financial reports out loud that he would somehow
he would drift off to sleep – but no that
was useless. I also tried giving the evil eye
to the little gaffer but that just made him cry
louder.
I did learn that putting Zachary on my chest
makes him sleep. I think it’s because I
puff up my breasts as big as they will go and
that tricks Zachary into thinking that they are
impressive. Typical scene...Zachary is feeling
over stimulated, I put him on my inflated breasts
and Presto – he’s off to sleep.
Lesson #5
Eventually, Zachary gets hungry and we return
to Lesson #1.
There, parent learning from the sleep deprived.
If you are considering parenting, clip this article
and save. Now I'm going to change yet another
diaper and then try to sleep.
Coach Bender
_____________________________________
Personal & Business Coach
CoachGO Performance & Innovation
866.824.8295 richard.bender@telus.net
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