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Coach B ender

I Wish I Had Breasts

So June has been rather eventful for the gang at Coach Bender Central. My wife Deborah and I, have had our first child, Zachary West.

So given this month is learning month for Discover Fun, I thought I'd share with you a thing or two I'm learning about parenthood now that I'm a wily two week vet.

Lesson #1

The world revolves around my wife's breasts. Ok, it sort of did before the kid too, but now it really does.

Deborah's breasts need to be always within five minutes of Zachary's mouth. This is solved by rarely having Zachary more than stones throw away from aforementioned breasts, but it does get a little restricting for Deborah (keeper and owner of the breasts). I wish I had a pair so that Deborah wouldn’t be so bogged down. (Did I really just write that?)

Lesson #2

Fake breasts such as cones, pinkies, dog paws, grapefruits, toothbrushes, or soothing words are very lame replacements for breasts and are quickly rejected by the kid.

Lesson #3

Everything makes the kid cry.

Being lifted makes the kid cry, being put down, moving to the left or the right, poking the child in the tummy, changing a diaper, having a bath, cool air, hot air, wet tissue, dry tissue, being tired or being over stimulated (a handy catch-all for anything not listed that makes kid cry).

Lesson #4

Once the child starts crying, it’s difficult to make him stop. Covering my ears with my hands and chanting, “I don’t hear you”, was a complete failure. I thought if I read the financial reports out loud that he would somehow he would drift off to sleep – but no that was useless. I also tried giving the evil eye to the little gaffer but that just made him cry louder.

I did learn that putting Zachary on my chest makes him sleep. I think it’s because I puff up my breasts as big as they will go and that tricks Zachary into thinking that they are impressive. Typical scene...Zachary is feeling over stimulated, I put him on my inflated breasts and Presto – he’s off to sleep.

Lesson #5

Eventually, Zachary gets hungry and we return to Lesson #1.

There, parent learning from the sleep deprived. If you are considering parenting, clip this article and save. Now I'm going to change yet another diaper and then try to sleep.

Coach Bender

Personal & Business Coach
CoachGO Performance & Innovation

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