By Shannon Wand
Smiling is the easiest, cheapest way to improve your
looks. Try it. Go to your mirror
and give a great big smile and see if you don’t
want to make out with yourself! It takes about as much
effort as blinking and we do that without even thinking.
I’m smiling right now and it’s all I can
do not to grab myself and go smooch me in a dark corner
somewhere! Smiling is just that powerful.
It’s been proven that smiling people make more
money and have free sausage given to them more regularly
than non-smiling people. At least sixty-seven percent
of unsmiling people get rickets at the age of twenty-four.
That’s a lot of rickets! Don’t be a statistic—get
out there and start smiling. Smile at the pizza delivery
guy, at the grocery store clerk. Smile at the uber-cool
girl at the record shop, smile at your neighbor and
smile at yourself.
Now, you may be questioning where I have gotten my facts
and percentages and that’s just fine. You can
continue to question. Let’s move on.
The truth is that smiling makes you look happy and happy
people are desirable. Let’s take, for example,
a famous star like Julia Roberts. She sure does smile
a lot and isn’t she really rich and popular? To
further prove my point, we will take a test. Who would
you rather go to the zoo with—the smiling, fun-looking
man on the left or the cranky unsmiling lady on the
right? That’s right. The answer is the fella on
the left—good for you. Eighty-three percent of
you chose the happy guy. That’s a great start.
Scientists have studies that prove what I’m talking
about. I talked to them about it and they said that
I was very smart and should go help myself to free ice
cream at the back of their lab. We had fun that day,
the scientists and I.
Smiling is also helpful in letting that special someone
know that you think they are a delicious delight. If
you walk by your crush with a scowl on your face, I
don’t think that they will want to buy you dinner.
If you look at them and smile brightly, they just may
sweep you off your feet and carry you out of that office
to the local eatery. Perhaps if you keep smiling and
they smile back a lot you may get married and get a
canoe for a wedding present. Who doesn’t want
Smiling is beneficial in so many ways that I can’t
keep up. So let’s just sum up what we know so
far. If you smile, you will get more money, love and
maybe a canoe. It will make you look more attractive,
thus increasing your popularity, and you won’t
have to go to the zoo with any cranky people. What could
be better than that? Now get out there and earn your
free sausage, you ricketless wonder.