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By Shannon Wand

Smiling is the easiest, cheapest way to improve your looks. Try it. Go to your mirror

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and give a great big smile and see if you don’t want to make out with yourself! It takes about as much effort as blinking and we do that without even thinking. I’m smiling right now and it’s all I can do not to grab myself and go smooch me in a dark corner somewhere! Smiling is just that powerful.

It’s been proven that smiling people make more money and have free sausage given to them more regularly than non-smiling people. At least sixty-seven percent of unsmiling people get rickets at the age of twenty-four. That’s a lot of rickets! Don’t be a statistic—get out there and start smiling. Smile at the pizza delivery guy, at the grocery store clerk. Smile at the uber-cool girl at the record shop, smile at your neighbor and smile at yourself.

Now, you may be questioning where I have gotten my facts and percentages and that’s just fine. You can continue to question. Let’s move on.

The truth is that smiling makes you look happy and happy people are desirable. Let’s take, for example, a famous star like Julia Roberts. She sure does smile a lot and isn’t she really rich and popular? To further prove my point, we will take a test. Who would you rather go to the zoo with—the smiling, fun-looking man on the left or the cranky unsmiling lady on the right? That’s right. The answer is the fella on the left—good for you. Eighty-three percent of you chose the happy guy. That’s a great start.

Scientists have studies that prove what I’m talking about. I talked to them about it and they said that I was very smart and should go help myself to free ice cream at the back of their lab. We had fun that day, the scientists and I.

Smiling is also helpful in letting that special someone know that you think they are a delicious delight. If you walk by your crush with a scowl on your face, I don’t think that they will want to buy you dinner. If you look at them and smile brightly, they just may sweep you off your feet and carry you out of that office to the local eatery. Perhaps if you keep smiling and they smile back a lot you may get married and get a canoe for a wedding present. Who doesn’t want a canoe?

Smiling is beneficial in so many ways that I can’t keep up. So let’s just sum up what we know so far. If you smile, you will get more money, love and maybe a canoe. It will make you look more attractive, thus increasing your popularity, and you won’t have to go to the zoo with any cranky people. What could be better than that? Now get out there and earn your free sausage, you ricketless wonder.




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